Day 15, Sunday, November 28

First thing I did when I woke up this morning was to call and check in on Tate. By this time the day shift nurse was on duty so I spoke with her. Tate had not had any bradys since she came on. She gave me much more information regarding his bradycardia and what she had to say was very good to hear. According to her, it is very normal for preemies to have what they call “A’s and B’s” (short periods of having as soon as they added the calories to his milk, hence the spit up we started noticing on Saturday. She also said she was surprised they hadn’t started him on caffeine yet, which is a common way to treat the bradycardia because the caffeine stimulates his heartrate and keeps it higher. Needless to say I felt MUCH better after hearing this from her.

Jamie and I went up to the NICU and spent most of the day there Sunday. Before we got to hold him Tate had another brady but his heart rate never went below 80 so it didn’t set the alarms off. We just happened to see it on the monitor. (I have to admit it is really hard to not sit and stare at those monitors, especially now that he is having some dips in heart rate and pulse ox. I try really hard to just watch him and pay attention to what he’s doing (breathing shallow or looking stressed) but it’s hard not to always be glancing up at the monitor.) About 10 seconds after the brady, he spit up. So that was reassuring to me to see that correlation between the two. He had one other brady while I was kangarooing him later in the morning, but no others the rest of the time we were there. One positive thing is that he corrects the bradys and apnea quickly himself and doesn’t require intervention from the nurses (They’ll rub their backs, stimulate them to get them breathing again, or even use oxygen, if needed). In fact usually he’s corrected it before they can even get over to see him or his monitor. So far they haven’t put him on caffeine so evidently the doctor’s don’t think it’s needed at this point.

I really like the nurse we had today. She is really good about letting me do stuff for Tate. She always asks if we want to change his diaper and today, when his sats would be dropping she’d tell me to turn him over on his tummy or switch him to his side to see if he liked that better. Plus when he spits up she lets me clean it up. Small things but they mean so much to me since my contact with him is so limited. Who knew I’d feel so happy and useful being able to clean up spit up??

While we were home for dinner I get a phone call from the NICU. Totally freaked me out. I knew they had our phone numbers and would call if they needed to but I had definitely been hoping to not get a call from them. However, this call was good news. It was the nurse practitioner on duty and she had just done Tate’s evaluation and had noticed that he was starting to try to suck a lot. He sucked on his pacifier for several minutes for me this morning and has been sucking on his hands a lot the last few days. So she wanted to know if I would be interested in letting him try to start nursing so he could get more practice. Ummm, yes please!! We have to start out slow, so only twice a day at most and I have to pump right before so that he doesn’t actually get any milk. It’s just to practice the sucking, not to actually feed him. And we have to make sure he gets 2-3 feeds in between trying to nurse so that it doesn’t wear him out. And only 20-30 minutes each time, while he’s being fed through his tube so that he will associate the two together. And she warned that this nursing time would probably cut into the time I could kangaroo him because we don’t want to overstimulate him. But it’s a step in the right direction to get him feeding so I was ready to do it. I had already planned on being back up at 9 pm for his feeding then, so we planned to start tonight.

When I got there, the nurse said his sats (pulse ox) had dropped a few times but we could still go ahead and do the nursing. I noticed that they had changed his pulse ox monitor as well. The range always had been 85-100 as being acceptable and tonight the range was only 90-100. The last day or so his sats had been dropping to 87-89% a lot so I assume they changed it so that they could see how often he was dropping that low. But it was super annoying the first few minutes because they kept dropping to the low 80’s and his alarm was going off a lot. Plus it seemed like all 3 of the other babies on his side were having a rough time at the same time cause two of them were crying and all of their alarms kept dinging too. So it was not the peaceful relaxing nursing session I had imagined. I was stressed and I’m sure that was stressing Tate out too. He did try to latch on a few times. He’d get it in his mouth and then get this huge grin on his face, then fall asleep. He did this several times the first 5 minutes and then just went to sleep for the rest of the time. But I was content to just hold him. His sats jumped back up in the low 90’s once he fell asleep and then once we put him back in his isolette they jumped up to high 90’s. So not what I had pictured for the first go around but that’s all right, we’ll try again tomorrow.

He didn’t have any bradys while I was there in the evening. This was my first time to be up there alone at night and by 11 pm I was exhausted. His next assessment wasn’t till midnight when they would weigh him to see how much he had gained but I decided I needed to go to bed and since I had driven myself it wasn’t a good idea to wait another hour. So I called Monday morning to see what his weight gain had been and he gained 38 grams on Sunday. He now weighs 3 lbs, 3 oz! If he can continue at that rate he should be up to 4 pounds by the end of the week next week. But if the calories help him to start gaining more maybe it will be even sooner!

A few pics from Saturday night's bath that I forgot to post Saturday....

Video of Tate getting a bath

Day 14, Saturday, November 27

Saturday started out really good. Jamie planned on staying home with Hudson all day, which meant I could spend all day up at the hospital. It also meant I got to drive myself for the first time. Things felt almost normal. I spent the entire morning with Tate, then ran and got myself some lunch and even went to JoAnn Fabrics to look for fabric for a quilt I want to make for Tate. I went back and spent the afternoon with Tate and then ran to the grocery store on my way home to pick up a few things. Then Jamie, Hudson and I all went out to dinner. I even got dressed in a pair of jeans and put on some makeup. Almost normal. Except the whole time at dinner I felt guilty for being out enjoying myself and not at the hospital with Tate. But it was still a good day.


Tate’s bilirubin was back up to 9 this morning. The nurse warned me that he might go back under the lights but so far they haven’t done so. I was able to kangaroo him for 45 minutes at his 9 am feeding. We have been a little frustrated with the nurses because it seems like each one has their own timeline as to how long we can hold him. We were told a week ago that we could hold him for 1 hour, 2 times a day, once a shift. But some of the nurses take him away after just 30 minutes, some allow 45 or an hour, and a few have even let us go a little over an hour. Seems like it should just be written in the chart that we get an hour and we always get an hour. His vitals all seem to be fine so I don’t think they are making us put him back in the isolette because of that. They just all have different timelines they feel comfortable with, I guess.

Tate is now eating his max of 25 ml a feeding. This is his max based on his weight so once he gains more weight they’ll increase it more accordingly. Because he is at his max they don’t think he’ll need the TPN anymore so this evening they removed the IV from his head. Yeah! Looks more like a little baby without all that tape stuck on his head. The nurse ended up giving him another bath tonight (usually they give him one every 2-3 days) but he had lots of sticky stuff stuck in his hair from the tape so she wanted to wash it out. He screamed until she got to his head and then relaxed. She had to tape his right hand back up as soon as she put him back down cause he immediately started grabbing at his feeding tube.

The first big news of the day is that they started adding calories to his milk at his noon feeding. It is called human milk fortifier and has to be added specifically to breastmilk. It has added protein in it because that is the one thing that preterm breastmilk lacks. They started him with 22 calories, which means it adds 2 calories to each serving. Breastmilk has an average of 20 calories in it, so 22 calorie just adds 2 extra to it.  They will be increasing it gradually to add more calories.  This is all supposed to help him gain more weight, more quickly. However, I was disappointed when he only gained 1 gram today. But he had a pretty rough evening, so that could explain the low weight gain. Hopefully tomorrow is better, all the way around.

So like I said, I had a great day and we went out to dinner and I was feeling pretty good about everything. We dropped Hudson off at my parents to spend the night and go to church with them in the morning so that we could stay up late at the hospital and then come back up in the morning. When we got back to see Tate the nurse told us that he had had 3 episodes of bradycardia since she had gotten on at 7 pm. Bradycardia is when their heart rate drops really low. For Tate, his heartrate should be between 80-200, but typically his stays over 140. It’s considered bradycardia if it drops below the 80, which his had done 3 times so far and he did a few more times while we were there. I had planned on just holding him at 9 and then going on home but I couldn’t leave. I’m not sure who it was harder on, honestly, Tate physically or me emotionally. Tate just slept through them all so I’m guessing it might have been harder on me. I am one of those worst case scenario kind of people so as soon as she told us this I have all these awful things running through my mind – his heart is failing, he needs a heart transplant, etc. Jamie had to calm me down which took quite awhile. But I did eventually calm down and we stayed till about 1:30 am. He had another episode or two of the bradycardia while we were there and honestly, the nurse seemed just as worried about it as I was so she wasn’t helping me out. Jamie was the one who told me that if it was something serious, they will tell us and until they do, we can’t do anything about it but pray. I’ve been doing a lot of praying the last few weeks but there was even more praying that night. When we left at 1:30 his vitals were all doing okay and he hadn’t had a brady in awhile. He had also spit up a few times which he hadn’t done at all yet so I assumed it was because of the calories they added to his milk and because he was having a harder time digesting those. It was really hard to leave not knowing exactly what was going on with him and feeling like we had just taken several steps backward. I didn’t think I’d sleep at all that night, but I am so exhausted it didn’t take me long to fall asleep. When I was up at 4 am to pump I called to check on him and she said he’d had one more brady and had just spit up again and she was cleaning him up from that, but otherwise he was doing good.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22

Hudson's Big Boy Room

Luckily we had finally gotten started on Hudson's big boy bed and redecorating his room before all of this happened with Tate. Hudson had actually been sleeping in his new bed for about a week before I went to the hospital and was doing really well with it. He was pretty excited to give his crib to his baby brother. The first 2 nights were rough, and he figured out by the second night that he could get up and come out of his room whenever he wanted. I was hoping he wouldn't figure that out so quick! He had started getting up around 4-5 am every morning and coming into our room to tell us he had to go potty. Which I guess is better than him wetting the bed, although we still had him in diapers at night at that point. At some point while I was in the hospital my parents or Jamie's quit putting his diaper on at night and so far he hasn't had any accidents! He doesn't usually get up to go potty during the night anymore either.




My husband has turned out to be quite the handy man and he built the bed all by himself (Jamie would prefer I say "crafted the bed with his own two hands") with a little help from me. My help mostly consisted of reading the directions to him and holding the wood while he put the screws in. He did all the sanding, staining and sealing himself, since I couldn't inhale the fumes - and man, they were strong. He also built the little table, the picture frame and the window valance. His dad helped him make the drawers underneath the bed and that is where all of Hudson's clothes are now. Surprisingly, Hudson seemed more upset about giving up his dresser to his baby brother than he was the crib. But he quickly got over it when he figured out he can hide things in his drawers. I have been finding all sorts of random things stuck inside them.



And now the big reveal....

Looks like we spent a thousand of dollars on it, right?  Nope.  Only about $200 for all the wood and supplies!  The drawers were the most expensive because we bought plywood for those and the drawer hinges and pulls...we got the plans from one of my favorite websites - http://www.ana-white.com/.  They improvised on the drawers cause she didn't have plans for drawers to go with this bed, but they were able to use a different plan and then make them work for this one.  I love it!  Turned out just like I had imagined it.

His reading corner.  We made the bookshelves about a year ago and Jamie  bought him the bean bag for Christmas last year. It's been downstairs all this time but now it finally has a home.

My sister painted the painting for him for his 2nd birthday.  Jamie made the frame around it and he also made the small table for his lamp and stereo.

Bed with drawer pulled out.  I am still working on an art project for above his bed...but that was put on hold for a little bit.  I'm hoping in the next week or two to finish up Hudson's room, then get started on Tate's!

Day 13, Friday, November 26

Tate is now eating 21 ml of breastmilk at every feeding and because he is now eating so much and doing so well digesting it, they removed him from his TPN today (total parenteral nutrition). TPN is added vitamins and minerals and nutrients he needed but since he’s now eating so much breastmilk he didn’t need it anymore. The TPN is what he has his IV in for, and so far today they haven’t removed it but they are talking like they might take it out soon. I’d love to get that IV out of his poor little head. They didn’t test his bilirubin today but will retest it tomorrow. He gained another 26 grams today.


I spoke with the nurses a little more today about how we start the bottlefeeding and when we can start breastfeeding. The book I have been reading about preemies really advocates breast over bottle first but I don’t think I can convice the neo-natologists here of that, so I’ll have to just be patient. The nurse told me that when we start out it’s going to just be a few drops in the nipple of a bottle once a day to get him used to feel and taste of something in his mouth and the nipple. Then we’ll follow his lead as far as increasing the amount and number of times a day. So he’ll still get his full tube feedings for awhile till he actually starts eating enough to replace his tube feedings. She did say it isn’t unusual for them to do one of the feeds every day as breast instead of bottle, so that was encouraging to hear that once he gets to work with us on nursing or just expect us to figure it out on our own once we got home, but they’ll definitely work with us once he’s got the swallow and breathe reflex down.

My milk supply is actually increasing from what it has been so I don’t have that added stress to worry about right now. I am getting 4-5 oz almost every time I pump so I think that day when I wasn’t getting very much I was really tired and stressed. I had been getting 2-3 oz every time, so the increase to 4-5 is good to see. Means I am doing enough pumping so I won’t fall behind on the amounts Tate will need when we are able to breastfeed exclusively. The nurse also told me today that I could start freezing my breastmilk at home instead of bringing it up here every morning because I have already taken up a whole shelf in their freezer with my milk!

I bought a book about preemies and the NICU and the chapter I was reading today was about the benefits of breastmilk. I knew breast was best and that there were so many benefits to breastmilk over formula, but I was surprised to learn that my breastmilk is actually producing different vitamins and nutrients now because he is a preemie than it would if he had been full term. Studies actually have shown that breastfed preemies spend an average of 15 days less in the NICU than formula fed babies. Our bodies are amazing to be able to know how/when to produce milk and what the milk needs to have in it.

Tate was awake and alert for the longest period of time I have seen this afternoon. He laid in his isolette and looked at everyone and kicked his little legs all around. This was a good time for him to be awake cause Papa, Gigi and Aunt Christin had all come up for a visit. None of them had seen him since last week when he was under the lights so it was good for them to see him with his eyes open and kicking his feet.

I saw Tate get a bath tonight too. It’s wasn’t his first bath but it’s the first time I have been here to see them do it. He did NOT like it. He cried the whole time she was washing him up. After she washed his body she swaddled him up and then washed his head. He LOVED that. She even combed his hair after she washed it and he never made a peep the whole time. His hair already seems to be getting a little bit lighter than it was when he was first born. Tate also loves to keep his hands up by his face while he sleeps, like Hudson always did. They are having to keep his hands wrapped in little gauze “mittens” to keep him from pulling out his feeding tube. Naughty little boy!

Birth

Hudson and Tate’s births were such complete opposite experiences for me, and I was so looking forward to Tate’s birth, that I am still having a hard time dealing with the emotions of the actual experience. When I think about Tate’s birth, I don’t really feel like I gave birth to him. It’s nothing like the emotions I had as I birthed Hudson into this world. I enjoyed the experience of Hudson’s birth so much that I was ready – emotionally anyways – to do it all again a week later. His birth was so amazing. Just Jamie and I (and a few nurses) together all day laboring (granted, I did a lot more laboring than he did!) to bring our son into the world.


That was why we had decided to do a home birth with this baby. Hudson’s birth/pregnancy was unremarkable medically and there were no complications. I delivered him naturally with no epidural or pain medications, no constant fetal monitoring or any other interventions that are so typical of a hospital birth. We really wanted to have this baby without the annoyance of having a doctor try to push interventions on us every hour or two. And when we met with the midwife at the Birth Inn early in this pregnancy we both came away with a peace about having the baby there.

But for some reason God had different plans for us this time around. Because we knew the baby was breech I was already starting to come to terms with the very likely possibility we were going to have a hospital birth. But I still really wanted to do a vaginal breech birth so that I could do it naturally, like Hudson. I knew there were risks to a breech vaginal birth but was still really considering the possibility of doing so. There is only one obstetrician in Wichita who will do vaginal breech births and we were still praying about it and trying to get the baby to flip when we found out my fluid was low and the baby was measuring small, and then my water broke and that was the end of that possibility.

You know the story from there and although I did ask Dr. Jensen if I could do a breech birth, he is not the OB who will do them, so he said no. I knew the baby was so small he would have slipped right out but considering everything else the baby was up against, I decided it wasn’t worth fighting with him about. Now I’m not so sure I should have given in so easy. Especially knowing I was already dilated to an 8 by the time they got me on the operating table. Just a little longer and I could have gave birth to him right there on the operating table!

I feel robbed of Tate’s birth. Not only was I not able to carry him to term and lost the last 9 weeks of the pregnancy and that bonding time with him, but I don’t feel like I gave birth to him. It was just so technical and medical and although a lot of emotions were involved, not the same emotions of Hudson’s birth.

Of course, the situation was totally different than Hudson’s birth and I understand that. And don’t get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for the doctor’s, nurses and medical technology that brought Tate safely into this world and are sustaining him now. But having a baby in the NICU long term like this is so hard and emotionally exhausting. It’s tough being told when you can touch your baby, how long you can hold him, when you can help change his diaper, and no, you can’t breastfeed for awhile. Makes all the normal complaints about having a newborn (not sleeping at night, blow out diapers, nursing problems) pale in comparison to this. We will be so happy to have Tate home I don’t think you’ll ever hear us complain about anything once we get him there. Definitely puts things in perspective for us. We didn’t get to have that natural bonding we should have had during the last trimester of the pregnancy, the birth and then the first few weeks of his life. We can’t ever get it back. And I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful for the hospital, doctor’s or how well Tate is doing but this is all emotions I am still trying to work through and it helps me to put it in writing…I just need to work through it all, give it up to God as over and done with and start looking forwards instead of dwelling on it. And be grateful that there is so much to look forward to in this little man’s life. I am definitely looking forward to the days when we can hold Tate for more than just 30 minutes at a time and more than just twice a day. I need him more than that. You all might never get to hold him cause I might never put him down when he finally gets home! I’m looking forward to starting to bottlefeed so we can have a litte more interaction with him. And I am most definitely looking forward to the day we can begin to breastfeed and he will begin to recognize the connection between mommy and the milk he has been getting. And the day the doctor says we can go home – definitely looking forward to that day and finally getting to introduce Tate to his big brother. And that’s just the next few weeks!

But for now I will remind myself daily to savor these moments we do get. The 45 minutes of skin to skin we did this morning and the sweet feeling of a 3 pound baby sleeping on my chest. Each time he wakes up and opens his little eyes and looks right at me. Each diaper I get to change. Each time I pump so that I can provide him with the best nutrients possible to help him grow and thrive. I’ll rejoice in each little gram he gains that gets us closer to our goal and each swallow he takes as he learns to eat. But most of all, I’ll rejoice in the fact that I am his mommy and he is my son - and nothing can ever take that away from me.


Psalm 71


"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge...Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go... For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD...From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge."

Day 12, Thursday, November 25, Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for today. The biggest being the tiniest, cutest little guy you’ve ever seen! I am so thankful for Tate’s continued good health, his breathing on his own, his good eating , his weight gains, every chance we get to hold him and touch him, the bonding we are doing with him, though limited, at least we do get those 2 times a day. I am also thankful today for a wonderful, emotionally strong, loving husband who has done nothing but be by my side through the last 2 weeks. He has been my rock through all of this. I’m thankful for my 2 ½ year old big boy who is most definitely the funniest, cutest (yes, both of my sons are the cutest), loving kid on this earth. Thankful for all the times he makes me smile, the funny things he says and that he can entertain himself all day playing one sport and then another, and another and another. I am so thankful for each minute I get to spend with each of them and thankful that I know this separation from Tate is only temporary and we’ll make it through and be a family soon.


Tate is now up to eating 19 ml at each feeding and is still not having any residual (meaning he’s digesting all of it) when they check his tummy before his next meal. His bilirubin is back up to 7 today but that is not high enough for the lights. In fact, the nurse said she didn’t have orders to even check his bilirubin level tomorrow so I assume that means they think it’s going to stay down low enough to not require the lights again. Tate is having some problems with constipation and dirtying his diapers so he had a suppository today. He had a big dirty diaper after that so maybe that will get him cleared out and he will start going better on his own. It will help his bilirubin levels to stay down if he has more dirty diapers. And….drum roll please….Tate now tips the scales at 3 pounds, .7 ounces. Go Tate! He gained 52 grams today.


I quit taking my pain pills yesterday and am feeling really good. I even made dinner tonight which made me feel a little more normal. However, I do have a little bit of a sniffly nose which is really worrying me. I have been boosting up on Vitamin C and D so hopefully I can ward it off. If I do get sick I won’t be able to go see Tate till 24 hours after my symptoms are gone. So that is definitely something else you can add to your prayer lists for us – to keep all of us healthy this year so that we can still go see him. And wisdom to know if we are too sick to go see him so that we don’t spread our germs to Tate or the other babies in the NICU.

Speaking of germs….I know my family all though we were a little overboard when Hudson was born about the whole germ thing. Well, just a fair warning to you all – you ain’t seen nothing yet. We will have to be 10 times more careful about exposing Tate to people and germs than what we were with Hudson. I think it’s safe to say that Tate, Hudson and I might just hibernate the winter away and won’t come out till the spring when all the yucky sicknesses are gone.

I bought Hudson a book about the NICU called “No Bigger Than My Teddy Bear.” It’s written from the perspective of a little boy whose baby brother is in the NICU and gives a tour of the NICU and talks about what all the machines are. There’s even a page about how mommy is gone a lot visiting baby brother but that when she comes home we spend special time together. I try to really stress that page when I read it! It’s a little long so I wasn’t sure if Hudson would like it or not but he sat very still and listened to me read the whole thing. I think it might help him understand a little bit more. We’ll just read it to him every night and talk about baby Tate and hopefully that will help him during this time.



All the marvels of modern medicine yet what the baby needs is his mommy....



Hudson

Hearing me talk you'd think Hudson is not having any fun while we are at the hospital with Tate.  On the contrary.  This week Papa Cecil has been staying with us and been SO helpful taking care of Hudson and helping Jamie get stuff done around the house that we had bene talking about getting done, just hadn't gotten to it.  Like new tires on our cars, new garage door opener, caulking the shower and all sorts of stuff like that.  But just having him there to take care of Hudson would have been more than enough.  Hudson has had a great time playing with him this week - they have been practicing his kickoff in football, a lot.  Enough that Hudosn is now complaining his toes hurt! 

 

Hudson spent last week when I was in the hospital with my parents, Papa and Gigi.  He spent the night there and spent pretty much every minute with Gigi.  Hudson enjoyed sleeping in his big boy bed at their house, but he was smart enough to convince Papa to let him sleep in their bed a few nights!  Here's a few pics of Hudson and some of the fun stuff he did with my mom last week...

Words are not enough to express our gratitude for everything you have done for Hudson and us these past 2 weeks - but thank you!

Kissing the heart before he put it in the monkey he made for Tate at Build a Bear

Squeezing it to hear himself say "I love you little brother".

Sharing some hot chocolate after playing in the leaves with Garret.



Whee!



Day 11, Wednesday, November 24

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…at our house anyways. We put up our Christmas trees this morning. Yes, trees. There’s my tree (and I’ll share with Jamie if he wants), Hudson’s tree and this year Tate has his own tree too. Haven’t decided if we’ll keep it at home for Hudson to have or we might bring it up and put it besides Tate’s bed. I think Hudson would probably get more enjoyment out of it than Tate will this year, so we might just keep it at home. Hudson definitely enjoyed spending the morning at home with us and although he told me at first he didn’t want to put up the tree, when I started pulling out the ornaments he was all for it. Of course, he just wanted to carry his all around, not put them on his tree, so it took awhile to get his and Tate’s trees decorated. And we’ll see how long they stay that way.


Tate had another good day today. He continues to have no residual in his tummy when they check it before each feeding so he can keep increasing his food every 9 hours. He was up to 16 ml every feeding today. His bilirubin was back up to 6 but that’s not high enough for the lights yet. He had a physical therapy evaluation today where they tested his muscle strength and his reflexes and he tested normal for his gestational age. They did tests such as holding on to his hands and pulling his head up to see how well he could support his head. He gained 9 grams again today. So not the 50 yesterday but still a gain. We’ll take every little bit. They are allowing us to do 1 hour each shift of kangarooing so I try to make sure I get both in each day, but sometimes I only get to do 1 since it means having to be here at night ot do the second one. I’m still trying to convince Jamie to do skin to skin but haven’t yet. The nurses said some fathers do it, and with what a daddy’s boy he is turning out to be I’m sure Tate would like it.

Today I read Tate his first book. “You Are My I Love You.” He stayed awake for me to read it to him but quickly drifted off to sleep. His stats were great the whole time we slept (yes, mommy took a nap too) but his heartrate monitor had gotten tangled up and the alarm kept going off. So it’s a little hard to keep my eyes closed and rest when it’s beeping every few minutes. But his pulse ox alarm also has a heart rate on it so I (and the nurses) could see his heartrate was okay even though it kept going off. A few minutes after it started going off, while I was still trying to convince myself he was okay since the nurses weren’t coming and I could see his other heart rate, the monitor started shreiking and flashing “asystole”. I think it probably threw my heart into asystole too I was so freaked! But it was just the monitor not Tate and the nurse assured me he was fine.

I spoke to the neonatologist nurse practitioner today and got some exciting news. She said we should be able to start bottlefeeding at 33 weeks. So that would be next Tuesday! I thought we’d have to wait till 34 so I am excited to bump it up a whole week. I don’t know how they start it out – if it’s just once a day to see how he handles it or all the time as long as he’s doing well. This is the part the nurses said is so hard for them to learn. I was encouraged because Tate is sucking on his pacifier some, and has tried to latch on a little, but she told me that all babies suck, it’s the breathing and swallowing at the same time that’s hard for them to learn. They have to be careful about how much and how quickly they take in the milk, hence the reason we have to bottlefeed instead of breast, because there is a danger he could aspirate it (get it in his lungs) if he chokes on it. So I’m sure it will be slow going at the beginning but I’m still praying for an easy transition to the bottle. That will make us that much closer to coming home.

Tonight on the way home from the hospital we stopped to pick up some dinner (Café Asia – the best!!) and I ran into the Family Christian Bookstore next store since I’m still looking for a Christian based book written by a mom with a preemie. Still have yet to find it but I had asked the sales clerk for help and the lady at the counter overheard. She came over and started talking to me telling me about her 23 year old daughter who was born 7 weeks premature and was in the NICU. She said she’s a junior in college now and has no health problems from her early delivery. Her baby was on a ventilator awhile and she couldn’t even hold her and as she starts telling me this, of course, I start to cry. Part of it is that I still can’t tell people what’s happening without crying but the other part is realizing how blessed we are that Tate didn’t have to be on a ventilator and hasn’t had to have a single bit of oxygen or respiratory support. Complete miracle considering he was 2 weeks earlier than this lady’s little girl. We can already hold him and touch him and she couldn’t do that for weeks. She was shocked when I told her that he was breathing on his own already. But 2 pieces of advice she did give me that I thought were worthy to note:

1. There will be days he goes 1 step forward and then days he goes 2 steps backward. I just need to stay in the middle. Of course be excited for each accomplishment but don’t let the setbacks bring me down. Just stay in the middle.

2. The doctors and nurses are taking good care of Tate. I need to make sure I am taking good care of myself.

So I was in the store for a lot longer than I had planned and Jamie, Hudson and Cecil were waiting out in the car for me. Jamie said at one point “she’s taking her sweet time” and a little later Hudson said “Let’s go Daddy.” He said, “Don’t you want to wait for mommy?” and Hudson says “no, she’s having a sweet time in there. Let’s go.” Such a cute kid.

Jamie and I both thought that Tate looked bigger today. He’s only one ounce over his birth weight and I know we couldn’t actually physically see that, but I still say he looks bigger. One of the night nurses agreed with us too – she hadn’t seen him for 2 days. Plus today he was more alert while lying in his isolette and was kicking his legs and moving his arms around a lot. He’s starting to seem more like a baby to us. We’re probably just getting used to how small he is but it’s still a nice feeling. He’s also starting to suck his thumb! So cute!

Kangaroo time with mommy....it's my favorite time of the day!

thumb sucking to pass the time



Hudson and Tate's Christmas trees



Hudson says,"Mom, don't forget your Christmas hat!"

Brothers

Hudson at one week



Tate at one week

Hudson has Tate beat in the weight department but Tate definitely has more hair!

Day 10, Tuesday, November 23

Happy 1 week birthday my little Tater Tot! I can’t believe one week has passed already. It has gone really fast, of course, the first several days I was flat on my back and could hardly move so that might be part of it. But Jamie and I both feel like the days are going by really fast now that we are home. In the morning we decide our plan for the day – who is going where and when and what Hudson is doing and then do it. Even just the time sitting beside Tate’s bed goes by very fast.


Jamie and I spent the afternoon at the NICU together. I was able to hold him skin to skin for an hour and a half today. That’s the longest they have allowed me to so far. The nurse said as long as his body temp was okay we could go longer than an hour and she checked it after an hour and it was fine. I held him again in the nursing position and this time I expressed a little bit of milk and he smacked his lips. At one point he latched on and sucked a little again. All of his vitals look great while I’m holding him – his respirations drop low (which is good cause it means he’s relaxing) and he’s very content.

At noon they increased his milk to 12 ml every 3 hours. They are now increasing it by 1ml every 9 hours instead of every 12. His bilirubin was back down to 5 so they took him off the lights again. Hopefully now that he’s older, having dirty diapers and gaining weight he won’t have to go back under them. They also moved him to a new isolette today. This one is a little bit smaller which gives us more room around his bedside and the nurse said the one he was in was for babies who need more intensive care, which he hasn’t needed, so he got the upgrade. And the biggest news of the day – Tate gained 50 grams today!! That’s the most he has gained so far and 5x more than what he gained the last 2 days. He is now up to 2 lbs 14 oz – one ounce more than his birthweight.

I had two pumping sessions today – in a row – in which I didn’t get very much milk. Which led to me stressing about it which probably then led to the next session being lower since I was stressed. Thankfully the next session was good and all the rest since then have been fine so it is not a cause for concern at this point. The nurse today told me we have our own shelf in the freezer now because Tate has so much milk, so that’s good. St. Joe has a breastfeeding clinic that I can call or go in and see a lactation consultant if I am having problems, so if it happens again I will probably go in and talk with them about taking some herbal supplements to help increase my supply. It’s one of the things I really stress about that by the time he gets home my milk supply will be gone and we won’t be able to nurse. But as long as I keep pumping every 2 hours it should be fine. In fact, if he were to never nurse (it pains me to even think it) I should be able to keep pumping for a year or longer as long as I do it regularly.

I had another rough, emotional afternoon because I feel so torn between spending my time with Tate and with Hudson. I feel bad because, honestly, I’d rather be with Tate right now but I know Hudson needs me too. When we left for the hospital Hudson was very upset. He kept saying “I want to go with you” and even went and got his own socks and shoes (his church sandals!) and was trying to put them on. When he couldn’t get them on he put them in my bag I carry back and forth to the hospital and said “I want to go with you.” Broke my heart. So after we held Tate I had a breakdown about whether to stay with Tate for the rest of the afternoon or go home and spend some time with Hudson. Jamie and I talked it out and I decided to go back home with Hudson. Jamie and I stopped and rented “The Jungle Book” and Hudson and I snuggled in my bed and ate popcorn and watched the movie. Hudson loved it. Definitely made his day for me to spend all that time with him. He kept saying “You aren’t leaving are you?” “Will you stay with me forever?” I even took a nap while we watched the movie which made me realize that was the first time I have laid down for a nap since I was discharged from the hospital. Probably another reason my milk supply was low and my stress level was so high. So I am going to try harder to get more rest, but then I didn’t go to bed till 1 am and couldn’t go back to sleep after I pumped at 5:30 until 7, then we were up at 8:30. So not really doing great with that so far. Although if I can continue to do the skin to skin with Tate I can nap with him for an hour every day, which definitely will help my stress level!

Tate is going to be a Daddy’s boy. He always wakes up and opens his eyes when he hears Jamie’s voice. It’s awesome to see that connection forming already. Jamie and I went back up to the NICU at nine and held him again. Jamie held him first and Tate had his eyes wide open and kept smiling. Then I held him for about and hour and a half again skin to skin before we came home and went to bed.

I did want to take a minute and thank everyone out there for your prayers and support for Tate, myself, Jamie and Hudson.  Two weeks ago, neither Jamie or myself could have ever imagined this is where we were headed.  I was a healthy, 30 year old pregnant woman with no history of health problems, or pregnancy complications.  All that changed in an instant. Even after my water broke I didn't really grasp the seriousness of it for awhile.  I never would have thought I could make it through a trial like this, but I know it is only because of your prayers and support, and by the grace of God, that we can, and will, make it through to the day we bring Tate home.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9 
I am weak right now.  I can't make it through a day without breaking down.  Sometimes I can't even make it an hour.  But He is making me strong.



Hudson "helping" Daddy shave off his beard.



Tate's new bed

Day 9, Monday, November 22

I had a great day today physically but a rather rough day emotionally. When I got out of bed this morning I was feeling really good so I decided to start cutting back on the pain pills. I did that and felt good all day. It’s been much easier to walk, stand up straight, get up out of chairs and get in and out of bed. My stomach is still pretty sore – I won’t be doing any crunches anytime soon - but overall I feel really good. Physically. I woke up today laying flat on my back and realized that I don’t even look pregnant anymore. Thus began the rough day emotionally. It’s hard for me to lose that connection to the pregnancy because I would much rather still be pregnant with Tate so he could be growing safe inside me instead of in the NICU. I have to keep reminding myself that he evidently wasn’t safe inside me, hence the reason my water broke and began the labor. One thing I learned from our midwife the night my water broke was that babies are believed to be what initiates the water breaking. They somehow send a signal to your body telling your body it’s time. So Tate knew he needed to get out of there and sent the signal. Either that or he is just a very impatient little guy!


I decided to stay home with Hudson this morning while Jamie and his dad went up to spend some time with Tate. Although I thought I could handle him on my own, Jamie didn’t want me to be alone so Mimi (my grandma) came over to help out. It was a good thing she did. She entertained him all morning for me which I definitely couldn’t have done. But in addition to that he was just a handful for me emotionally - a lot of talking back, disobeying, playing really rough, and just doing things he knows he is not supposed to do. I can’t decide if he was like this before and I just had a better handle on it, or if this was him acting out but it was pretty rough. I know he’s 2 and the behavior is totally normal, especially considering the upheaval he is going through but it was just too much for me to handle. So there were some tears shed and that actually seemed to help get him to straighten up. He didn’t like to see my cry. Jamie explained to me that he thinks Hudson realizes that when he acts out he knows that will get a response from me and right now he’s so out of sorts that he’ll take whatever attention he can get. So I just have to be patient with him and spend more time with him and we’ll adjust and get through this.

I went up to the hospital for the afternoon to find out that Tate’s bilirubin had gone back up to an 8 and he was back under the UV lights. I was sad because I thought I wouldn’t get to hold him but his nurse said since he’s doing so well, and because 8 was just the borderline of having to go back under the lights, that I could still do skin to skin with him. The bilirubin levels are weird because the levels they can have cahnge every day as the yget older and gain weight. So although it couldn’t be over a 5 just a day or two ago, now they almost didn’t put him under the lights for an 8. When they came to put him back under the lights the nurse practitioner said “I’ve been trying to talk myself out of it all morning but I think we should do it.” Although I don’t want him to have to be under the lights, I was definitely for doing it today rather than waiting and letting the levels get higher tomorrow and then having to put him under.

Tate gained 10 grams today and he’s up to 11 ml of breastmilk every 3 hours. They now give it to him through a pump that takes 30 minutes to pump the milk through his feeding tube.

I got to hold him for 30 minutes of skin to skin and today I held him as if he were breastfeeding rather than flat against my chest. The nurse said it was okay if he tried to suckle a little and to just let him do whatever he wanted. He slept the whole time but as I first brought him up he did try to latch on a little and suckled very weakly. He had his first blow out diaper while I held him. He was being pretty loud as he worked on getting it out and everytime he did he’d get a big grin on his face. So it was a sweet time for me to hold him, even though I knew he was grinning cause of the pooping, I pretended it was because he was so happy “nursing” with mommy. I can dream, right?

Jamie and I went back up for the 9 pm assessment but we knew we weren’t going to be able to hold him again until Tuesday. The day nurse told me that since Jamie had held him this morning and I held him in the afternoon we needed to wait. She said that if he gained weight today then we knew he could tolerate being held more but until we know for sure we shouldn’t hold him again. So we just hung out with Tate for a little while and then Jamie took me on an ice cream date.  The only thing open was Sonic so we got a milkshake and then came home to bed. Very romantic!!
I came across this verse the other day and it was perfect for what I had described the other night about not being able to pray anything but “thank you”.

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” Romans 8:26     How awesome is that?

Just chilling under the UV lights.  Hudson always used to sleep with his hands up like this too.

Jamie is going to shave his beard off tomorrow so I told him I had to have a picture of it.  Definitely the most facial hair I have ever seen on him!  I kind of like it but he said it's too itchy, plus there are a few gray hairs coming in.  Hmmm. wonder what could have caused those?

Day 8, Sunday, November 21

Tate had a really good day today. They resumed his feedings as normal because he started digesting his food like he was before. When they suction out his stomach to see how much he has ate, they actually consider it good as long as there isn’t more than ¼ of what he was fed still in there. He normally has nothing left so he’s digesting everything in the 3 hours between feedings. At noon today they increased the amount he’s eating to 8 ml. The nurses moved his IV from his foot because it was starting to swell a little. They put it back in his head so I wasn’t real happy to see that. This time though it’s in the top of his head instead of right on his forehead so it doesn’t look as bad as before. Still looks painful though. He has a small scab on his other ankle that they are putting antiobiotic on 3 times a day to make sure it doesn’t get infected. He did lose 9 grams of body weight today but that isn’t too surprising since he missed several feedings. Since he’s not under the UV lights anymore we are going to be able to hold him more than we were before. We were told we could hold him after each assessment (which means every 3 hours) but we have already discovered that different nurses seem to tell us different things about how much we can hold him. Of course, as his situation changes, how long he can be out of the incubator changes to, so that could be part of it.


Jamie and I spent the morning at the NICU together since Hudson was going to church with my mom and dad. When we got there one of the neo natologists came by and introduced himself to us and asked if we had any questions about Tate’s care. I was disappointed to learn that we will have to bottlefeed Tate before he will be able to breastfeed. He also said we wouldn’t even start trying to bottlefeed until 34 weeks at the earliest probably because that is when the sucking reflex starts to kick in. Learning to bottle feed is usually really hard for these little guys because they have to learn to suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time. The nurse said it is usually the biggest obstacle to getting them out of the NICU and takes the longest. So that wasn’t real encouraging to hear since we can’t even start on it for at least 2 more weeks, but maybe Tate will just take right to it like he has everything else so far. I can hope – and pray.

The doctor said there are 3 milestones he has to reach before he can go home:

1. “Nippling” which means succesfully eating from a bottle.

2. His body weight has to be a minimum of 1800 grams (4 pounds).

3. He has to be able to maintain his own body temperature.

Regulating his own body temperature goes hand in hand with his weight. As he gets bigger and puts on more fat he’ll be able to regulate his temperature better. Once he’s doing that he’ll be able to move out of the incubator into a small baby bed.

Today was also a big day for Tate and I because we got to start what is called “kangaroo care” It’s basically skin to skin contact. They call it that because baby kangaroos are born really early and then live inside their mother’s pouch until they are much older. Research shows that preemies who have that skin to skin contact do much better than those who don’t. Babies who are kangarooed usually gain weight better than those who aren’t and although he can’t yet regulate his body temperature, when I am holding him like that my body temperature will actually raise/lower to compensate for his so that he is okay. Pretty amazing. One study I saw showed a 50% shorter hospital stay for preemies who are kangarooed versus those who aren’t.

We got to do a full hour of skin to skin. Absolutely amazing. I was already bonding with him before just holding him swaddled in a blanket but nothing compares to holding a newborn against your chest. And when your newborn is a preemie who weighs less than 3 pounds, it’s undescribable. He slept the entire hour and I took a little nap too but I also talked to him and sang him a song while we laid there. I loved being able to smell him, hear the little squeaks he makes and kiss the top of his head. Felt almost normal for a little while. His vitals were perfect the whole time he was with me. He would startle at the sounds around us – the monitors and other people talking or moving things around, but then just cuddle right back up. He did move his tiny hand around a little. Weird feeling since he’s so incredibly small.

The nurse said we could do skin to skin for one hour each 12 hour shift. Jamie was going to do it when he went back for the evening but they gave Tate a bath at his 9:00 assessment so they were worried he would be too cold to do it right after that so he just held him swaddled instead. Jamie stayed till about 1 am and then came back home. He is really missing out on sleep this week- which is what he wanted to do since he’s not working at all right now. We just want to be up there with Tate every minute possible. These first 2 days have seemed pretty hectic with lots of driving back and forth to the hospital, getting meals and housework stuff figured out and figuring out our schedules. Hopefully we’ll be able to get a better routine down but next week will change again when he goes back to work (although it’s going to just be part time probably through the end of the year).

While I was searching for something on the internet this morning I came across a blog post labeled “SAVOR”. Just looking at the word made me stop and think that I need to do that. Although this is a stressful, hectic, emotional time for us, it’s also the first few days of Tate’s life. Although it’s very different from what we were envisioning his first week of life to be I still need to be savoring every minute of it. Especially the times we get to be with him and hold him. I don’t want to forget anything that has happened this first week and it’s all such a blur already. It was a good reminder to me that I just need to slow down. Savor the moments I get to spend with Hudson, savor the time Jamie and I get to spend with each other – even if it is just a 20 minute car ride a few times a day back and forth to the hospital and savor each moment I have with Tate. Each diaper change I get to do, each touch when I am able to put my hand inside the incubator, each prayer I say for him, each time I get to hold him, each little kiss I give him, even each pumping session I do for him. We are so blessed that we get to do these things already. Some infants can be in the NICU for days or weeks before you even get to touch them, let alone hold them. But God is so good to us.

“I will find my rest in God alone. He is the One who gives me hope.” Psalm 62:5

Day 7, Saturday November 20

I pushed myself a little too hard on my first day home.  Well, I wasn't actually home at all which was the problem.  We went back over to see Tate at 6 am Saturday and spent an hour with him before they closed the NICU from 7-9 for shift change.  When we left we went to get Hudson to take him to breakfast to do something normal for him.   Thankfully he slept in till about 8:30 so Jamie and I napped at my parents house till he got out of bed.  We ended up making it out for more of a brunch by 11.  We can definitely tell Hudson is thrown by everything going on because of his behavior.   He's not awful but definitely pretty quick to talk back or yell or get upset about what is going on.  Plus you can tell he's just tired all the time.  We talked about it last night and realized that we are just going to have to be more patient with him because  his whole world has turned upside down in the last week too.  Differently than ours, but still upside down.  The good thing is it will help him a lot having me back home now and getting to sleep at home in his own bed more.  Still not sure exactly what his new schedule is going to be, definitely still won't be as much time at home or with me as he's used to.  But he'll adjust.  Then I reminded Jamie we'll probably go through it all again when we bring Tate home.  But I think that transition will be easier for him since Tate and I both will be HOME.  Already dreaming of that day....

When I came in to see Tate he actually lifted his head up and tried to turn to look at me in response to my voice.  He didn't lift it very high or get it turned very far but that's the first time I have seen him try.  His bilirubin was back down to 4.5 and when I came back to see him in the afternoon he was out of the UV light.  The nurse said he won't have to go back under them if he can maintain the lower levels.  Which also means we should be able to hold him a little more.  When they have the lights they want them under them 24/7 so we could only hold him for 2 30 minutes sessions a day. If he doesn't have to go back under the UV they should allow us to hold him more than just 2 times a day.  His weight stayed the same today.

Tate had his first minor setback with eating today.  When they checked to make sure his food was digested at 9 am he had some "green stuff" in his tummy.  So they did an x-ray and determined it was gas but the doctor decided he needed a suppository in case he was constipated and to hold off on his feedings until 6 pm tonight.  At 3:30 the nurse came to give him his suppository and he had taken care of business all by himself.  Had his biggest dirty diaper yet and it was a big one - for him anyways!  Still mostly meconium, he hasn't gotten all that out yet but I am sure that one helped!  

After that he got pretty fussy and squirmy.  I think because he was hungry and he knew it!  He chewed on his hands a lot and smacked his lips a few times.  He's also started grabbing onto the wires and cords for all his machines and he pulled his feeding tube out 10 times today!   So they finally put some little mittens over his hands to try to keep him from pulling on stuff.  But at 9 pm they resumed his feedings and he was a much happier guy all night long.  You'll see some of his squirming in the video.  You can hear all the alarms going off in the background too.  It happens a lot, but thankfully they are rarely Tate's - and lately if they have been it's cause he pulled something loose!

After we took Hudson to breakfast I wanted to go to the store to get a bag that I could use to carry to the NICU every day for my books, purse, laptop, pump stuff, etc.  Jamie didn't think I should but mom and I went anyway.  Then we went to Barnes and Noble so I could look for a devotional book and then we of course ran into someone we knew so we talked to them for awhile about everything that was going on.  Then I went home and showered and mom took me back up to the NICU while Jamie and Hudson took a nap.  I spent a couple hours at the NICU just hanging out.  They have lactation rooms I can go to when I need to pump and I took a nap in there for a little bit after pumping, but otherwise spent the time sitting in with Tate.  At 6 Jamie came and picked me up and we went to Wesley to see my new niece, Ashley Grace!!  Wesley has a parking garage and then it's a  pretty big hospital.  We were looking for a wheelchair but never found one and I ended up walking all the way up to her room.  We didn't stay for too long there - long enough for me to pump again and hold her for just a few minutes.  Then we went to dinner.  I was moving really slow by this point, exhausted and hurting.  Jamie found a wheelchair and wheeled me (and Hudson) out to the car.  By the time we finished dinner I was really exhausted and really hurting. Mom and Dad took Hudson again for the night cause Jamie was going back up to the hospital and I got a ride home from my aunt.  I couldn't get to my bed fast enough - literally and figuratively.  Every move hurt.  Plus my milk really came in yesterday evening so I ended up pumping every 2 hours all night long to keep myself comfortable.  But I won't complain about that - I am already worrying I won't have enough milk when he gets out of the NICU... 

Jamie took all next week off of work and his plan is to spend nights up at the NICU as much as he can.  He stayed there till 4 am. He held him and although Tate slept the entire time he smiled 12 times in his sleep!  At Tate's 3 am feeding he had only digested 1 ml of the 7 he had been fed at midnight.  The doctor had them feed the 6 back to him and then check again at 6 am.  So Jamie finally came home and went to bed and I called this morning to see how the rest of the night went.  At 6 am he had digested all of his food so they were going to feed him as regular on Sunday and even increase to 8 ml at this noon feeding.. 

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Day 6, Friday, November 19

The day I have been dreading is here. The resident came in at 6:30 and said she’d have my staples removed today and they’d get me home. But Dr. Jensen hadn’t usually been coming around till 1 pm so I figured I still had some time. Morning went by, afternoon went by, no one removed my staples and Dr. Jensen never came by. I was hoping that Dr. Jensen forgot about me and I’d get to stay one more night. Postpone the inevitable…

Late Thursday night they moved us to yet another room. But this one was an upgrade to a queen size bed that Jamie could sleep in with me. They needed the room we were in for another mom in preterm labor so they asked if we would mind moving. I didn’t care but Jamie was all for sleeping in a real bed. He said it was like we were on vacation! He hasn’t gotten much sleep this whole week. He’s been sleeping on a cot or a tiny pull out bed every night. He gets up every few hours and goes to the NICU to check on Tate, then he’s up every few hours helping me go the bathroom or pump or whatever else I need. The nurses aren’t in and out as much any more but they like to come in around 6 am to check my vitals so that usually wakes us up for the day. I realized last night that I have never once asked him how he’s dealing with all of this. He hasn’t complained once about helping me. Just gets up and does it – half the time without me even asking. No wonder I love him.

This morning Jamie spent some one on one time with Hudson. Overall he has handled this last week really well but when he left Thursday night he cried and cried for Jamie to go with him so we set up his schedule for the day so they could spend some time together. Jamie took him to Best Buy to pick up our new digital camera (Ours has been broken for a year and I wanted to replace it before the baby came. That didn’t happen but after Jamie dropped it again yesterday it really wasn’t working.) and to the bookstore to get me a journal to have to write stuff down as the nurses give us updates, or I think of something that needs to get done at the house, etc. They both had a good time together.

When Jamie got back we went down to see and hold Tate for a little while. He is still under the UV lights but his bilirubin has gone down to 5 so that is good news. The nurse told us that once he’s not under the lights anymore we should get to hold him more than just 30 minutes 2 times a day. I know it will just be a gradual increase since he can’t handle too much stimulation but those are the best times when we get to hold him so I am looking forward to have more time each day. I’m really looking forward to getting to bottlefeed him whenever that time comes too. I am guessing it’s still 2 weeks or so but it will be awesome to have that connection with him. He’s now up to eating 6 ml at every feeding and his tummy is still digesting it. He gained 1ounce today. His nurse said he is quite the wiggle worm. He doesn’t like to lay still and will wiggle out of his wrap that he lies in and he hates having the mask over his eyes for the UV lights. He gets it off all the time. Today switched from a full mask to a smaller one that just goes over his eyes. When we held him this afternoon the nurse didn’t come right back after 30 minutes and tell us our time was up, and we weren’t about to tell her our time was up so we got to hold him for about an hour in the afternoon.

While we were visiting Tate around 6 pm Dr. Jensen finally came by and gave my discharge orders. So we didn’t talk to him but the nurses came in around 8 to do their shift change and said we had been discharged but there was no hurry. We just had to be gone by midnight. So we planned to go hold him again after his 9 pm assessment and then we’d let the nurse know we were ready and they’d get started on my discharge.

When we went to the NICU there had been a shift change and his night nurse was on. As I was washing my hands I told her we’d like to hold him after she finished his assessment and she said “Well, Carolyn said you held him for an hour already today and that’s all you are allowed right now.” Well, that was all it took. I had been dreading this for so long and the tears just started flowing. She took one look at me and said “Okay, I’ll let you hold him for just 30 minutes.” Then when Jamie explained we were getting discharged, she said, “of course you’ll hold him then.” But at that point I couldn’t stop so I ended up crying most of the time I held him. Tate was very alert and looking at us and again, it was a great bonding time, despite the tears.

The discharge was uneventful – staple removal didn’t even hurt and I had been worried about that all day. After everything was loaded in the car and we were ready to go we walked down to say goodnight to Tate and then headed home. It was a weird feeling leaving the hospital and driving home without him. But, as Jamie said, we know it’s where he needs to be and we wouldn’t want to be bringing him home as he is right now anyway. So we’ll adjust, or just take it day by day, and figure out when to come see him and how long to be with him until he’s ready to come home. It was weird for me to leave the hospital. I hadn’t been outside in 6 days. Our house was weird to come home to (Thanks to mom and Traci for cleaning and washing sheets and towels and getting the house ready for us to come home too.) without Hudson or Tate. Jamie unloaded the car while I pumped and then we went to bed. I got up twice during the night to pump. At 3 am I called Tate’s nurse to check on him. She said right before feeding time he got really fussy and she thinks he must have been hungry and was letting it be known. It’s really weird to have to set an alarm to remind me to get up and pump every 2 hours, instead of just waiting for the baby to wake me up. I’m using my cell phone alarm during the day to remind me, although since my milk has started coming in it’s a little easier to remember! We woke up at 5 and drove back over to see Tate before the NICU closed for shift change. Then we took Hudson out for breakfast. So we survived our first (half) night away from him. Without any more tears even, after the NICU episode!

We also talked today about praying for Tate and I told Jamie that I would like to find a devotional book geared towards mom’s with preemies because I am having a hard time praying for Tate. I have a hard time getting past, “Dear God, thank you…” Jamie said that pretty much sums it up and God knows everything else I want to say. I know that we are so blessed that Tate is doing so well and that things could be so much harder and he could be struggling so much more. But he’s not. He is doing amazing. Every time I get to hold him I am amazed by how tiny, yet perfect, his little body is and the fact that it’s doing what it’s supposed to be doing, at such an early gestational age, is a miracle. So “Dear God, thank you”.