Birth

Hudson and Tate’s births were such complete opposite experiences for me, and I was so looking forward to Tate’s birth, that I am still having a hard time dealing with the emotions of the actual experience. When I think about Tate’s birth, I don’t really feel like I gave birth to him. It’s nothing like the emotions I had as I birthed Hudson into this world. I enjoyed the experience of Hudson’s birth so much that I was ready – emotionally anyways – to do it all again a week later. His birth was so amazing. Just Jamie and I (and a few nurses) together all day laboring (granted, I did a lot more laboring than he did!) to bring our son into the world.


That was why we had decided to do a home birth with this baby. Hudson’s birth/pregnancy was unremarkable medically and there were no complications. I delivered him naturally with no epidural or pain medications, no constant fetal monitoring or any other interventions that are so typical of a hospital birth. We really wanted to have this baby without the annoyance of having a doctor try to push interventions on us every hour or two. And when we met with the midwife at the Birth Inn early in this pregnancy we both came away with a peace about having the baby there.

But for some reason God had different plans for us this time around. Because we knew the baby was breech I was already starting to come to terms with the very likely possibility we were going to have a hospital birth. But I still really wanted to do a vaginal breech birth so that I could do it naturally, like Hudson. I knew there were risks to a breech vaginal birth but was still really considering the possibility of doing so. There is only one obstetrician in Wichita who will do vaginal breech births and we were still praying about it and trying to get the baby to flip when we found out my fluid was low and the baby was measuring small, and then my water broke and that was the end of that possibility.

You know the story from there and although I did ask Dr. Jensen if I could do a breech birth, he is not the OB who will do them, so he said no. I knew the baby was so small he would have slipped right out but considering everything else the baby was up against, I decided it wasn’t worth fighting with him about. Now I’m not so sure I should have given in so easy. Especially knowing I was already dilated to an 8 by the time they got me on the operating table. Just a little longer and I could have gave birth to him right there on the operating table!

I feel robbed of Tate’s birth. Not only was I not able to carry him to term and lost the last 9 weeks of the pregnancy and that bonding time with him, but I don’t feel like I gave birth to him. It was just so technical and medical and although a lot of emotions were involved, not the same emotions of Hudson’s birth.

Of course, the situation was totally different than Hudson’s birth and I understand that. And don’t get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for the doctor’s, nurses and medical technology that brought Tate safely into this world and are sustaining him now. But having a baby in the NICU long term like this is so hard and emotionally exhausting. It’s tough being told when you can touch your baby, how long you can hold him, when you can help change his diaper, and no, you can’t breastfeed for awhile. Makes all the normal complaints about having a newborn (not sleeping at night, blow out diapers, nursing problems) pale in comparison to this. We will be so happy to have Tate home I don’t think you’ll ever hear us complain about anything once we get him there. Definitely puts things in perspective for us. We didn’t get to have that natural bonding we should have had during the last trimester of the pregnancy, the birth and then the first few weeks of his life. We can’t ever get it back. And I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful for the hospital, doctor’s or how well Tate is doing but this is all emotions I am still trying to work through and it helps me to put it in writing…I just need to work through it all, give it up to God as over and done with and start looking forwards instead of dwelling on it. And be grateful that there is so much to look forward to in this little man’s life. I am definitely looking forward to the days when we can hold Tate for more than just 30 minutes at a time and more than just twice a day. I need him more than that. You all might never get to hold him cause I might never put him down when he finally gets home! I’m looking forward to starting to bottlefeed so we can have a litte more interaction with him. And I am most definitely looking forward to the day we can begin to breastfeed and he will begin to recognize the connection between mommy and the milk he has been getting. And the day the doctor says we can go home – definitely looking forward to that day and finally getting to introduce Tate to his big brother. And that’s just the next few weeks!

But for now I will remind myself daily to savor these moments we do get. The 45 minutes of skin to skin we did this morning and the sweet feeling of a 3 pound baby sleeping on my chest. Each time he wakes up and opens his little eyes and looks right at me. Each diaper I get to change. Each time I pump so that I can provide him with the best nutrients possible to help him grow and thrive. I’ll rejoice in each little gram he gains that gets us closer to our goal and each swallow he takes as he learns to eat. But most of all, I’ll rejoice in the fact that I am his mommy and he is my son - and nothing can ever take that away from me.


Psalm 71


"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge...Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go... For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD...From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge."

Day 12, Thursday, November 25, Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for today. The biggest being the tiniest, cutest little guy you’ve ever seen! I am so thankful for Tate’s continued good health, his breathing on his own, his good eating , his weight gains, every chance we get to hold him and touch him, the bonding we are doing with him, though limited, at least we do get those 2 times a day. I am also thankful today for a wonderful, emotionally strong, loving husband who has done nothing but be by my side through the last 2 weeks. He has been my rock through all of this. I’m thankful for my 2 ½ year old big boy who is most definitely the funniest, cutest (yes, both of my sons are the cutest), loving kid on this earth. Thankful for all the times he makes me smile, the funny things he says and that he can entertain himself all day playing one sport and then another, and another and another. I am so thankful for each minute I get to spend with each of them and thankful that I know this separation from Tate is only temporary and we’ll make it through and be a family soon.


Tate is now up to eating 19 ml at each feeding and is still not having any residual (meaning he’s digesting all of it) when they check his tummy before his next meal. His bilirubin is back up to 7 today but that is not high enough for the lights. In fact, the nurse said she didn’t have orders to even check his bilirubin level tomorrow so I assume that means they think it’s going to stay down low enough to not require the lights again. Tate is having some problems with constipation and dirtying his diapers so he had a suppository today. He had a big dirty diaper after that so maybe that will get him cleared out and he will start going better on his own. It will help his bilirubin levels to stay down if he has more dirty diapers. And….drum roll please….Tate now tips the scales at 3 pounds, .7 ounces. Go Tate! He gained 52 grams today.


I quit taking my pain pills yesterday and am feeling really good. I even made dinner tonight which made me feel a little more normal. However, I do have a little bit of a sniffly nose which is really worrying me. I have been boosting up on Vitamin C and D so hopefully I can ward it off. If I do get sick I won’t be able to go see Tate till 24 hours after my symptoms are gone. So that is definitely something else you can add to your prayer lists for us – to keep all of us healthy this year so that we can still go see him. And wisdom to know if we are too sick to go see him so that we don’t spread our germs to Tate or the other babies in the NICU.

Speaking of germs….I know my family all though we were a little overboard when Hudson was born about the whole germ thing. Well, just a fair warning to you all – you ain’t seen nothing yet. We will have to be 10 times more careful about exposing Tate to people and germs than what we were with Hudson. I think it’s safe to say that Tate, Hudson and I might just hibernate the winter away and won’t come out till the spring when all the yucky sicknesses are gone.

I bought Hudson a book about the NICU called “No Bigger Than My Teddy Bear.” It’s written from the perspective of a little boy whose baby brother is in the NICU and gives a tour of the NICU and talks about what all the machines are. There’s even a page about how mommy is gone a lot visiting baby brother but that when she comes home we spend special time together. I try to really stress that page when I read it! It’s a little long so I wasn’t sure if Hudson would like it or not but he sat very still and listened to me read the whole thing. I think it might help him understand a little bit more. We’ll just read it to him every night and talk about baby Tate and hopefully that will help him during this time.



All the marvels of modern medicine yet what the baby needs is his mommy....



Brothers

Hudson at one week



Tate at one week

Hudson has Tate beat in the weight department but Tate definitely has more hair!

Day 10, Tuesday, November 23

Happy 1 week birthday my little Tater Tot! I can’t believe one week has passed already. It has gone really fast, of course, the first several days I was flat on my back and could hardly move so that might be part of it. But Jamie and I both feel like the days are going by really fast now that we are home. In the morning we decide our plan for the day – who is going where and when and what Hudson is doing and then do it. Even just the time sitting beside Tate’s bed goes by very fast.


Jamie and I spent the afternoon at the NICU together. I was able to hold him skin to skin for an hour and a half today. That’s the longest they have allowed me to so far. The nurse said as long as his body temp was okay we could go longer than an hour and she checked it after an hour and it was fine. I held him again in the nursing position and this time I expressed a little bit of milk and he smacked his lips. At one point he latched on and sucked a little again. All of his vitals look great while I’m holding him – his respirations drop low (which is good cause it means he’s relaxing) and he’s very content.

At noon they increased his milk to 12 ml every 3 hours. They are now increasing it by 1ml every 9 hours instead of every 12. His bilirubin was back down to 5 so they took him off the lights again. Hopefully now that he’s older, having dirty diapers and gaining weight he won’t have to go back under them. They also moved him to a new isolette today. This one is a little bit smaller which gives us more room around his bedside and the nurse said the one he was in was for babies who need more intensive care, which he hasn’t needed, so he got the upgrade. And the biggest news of the day – Tate gained 50 grams today!! That’s the most he has gained so far and 5x more than what he gained the last 2 days. He is now up to 2 lbs 14 oz – one ounce more than his birthweight.

I had two pumping sessions today – in a row – in which I didn’t get very much milk. Which led to me stressing about it which probably then led to the next session being lower since I was stressed. Thankfully the next session was good and all the rest since then have been fine so it is not a cause for concern at this point. The nurse today told me we have our own shelf in the freezer now because Tate has so much milk, so that’s good. St. Joe has a breastfeeding clinic that I can call or go in and see a lactation consultant if I am having problems, so if it happens again I will probably go in and talk with them about taking some herbal supplements to help increase my supply. It’s one of the things I really stress about that by the time he gets home my milk supply will be gone and we won’t be able to nurse. But as long as I keep pumping every 2 hours it should be fine. In fact, if he were to never nurse (it pains me to even think it) I should be able to keep pumping for a year or longer as long as I do it regularly.

I had another rough, emotional afternoon because I feel so torn between spending my time with Tate and with Hudson. I feel bad because, honestly, I’d rather be with Tate right now but I know Hudson needs me too. When we left for the hospital Hudson was very upset. He kept saying “I want to go with you” and even went and got his own socks and shoes (his church sandals!) and was trying to put them on. When he couldn’t get them on he put them in my bag I carry back and forth to the hospital and said “I want to go with you.” Broke my heart. So after we held Tate I had a breakdown about whether to stay with Tate for the rest of the afternoon or go home and spend some time with Hudson. Jamie and I talked it out and I decided to go back home with Hudson. Jamie and I stopped and rented “The Jungle Book” and Hudson and I snuggled in my bed and ate popcorn and watched the movie. Hudson loved it. Definitely made his day for me to spend all that time with him. He kept saying “You aren’t leaving are you?” “Will you stay with me forever?” I even took a nap while we watched the movie which made me realize that was the first time I have laid down for a nap since I was discharged from the hospital. Probably another reason my milk supply was low and my stress level was so high. So I am going to try harder to get more rest, but then I didn’t go to bed till 1 am and couldn’t go back to sleep after I pumped at 5:30 until 7, then we were up at 8:30. So not really doing great with that so far. Although if I can continue to do the skin to skin with Tate I can nap with him for an hour every day, which definitely will help my stress level!

Tate is going to be a Daddy’s boy. He always wakes up and opens his eyes when he hears Jamie’s voice. It’s awesome to see that connection forming already. Jamie and I went back up to the NICU at nine and held him again. Jamie held him first and Tate had his eyes wide open and kept smiling. Then I held him for about and hour and a half again skin to skin before we came home and went to bed.

I did want to take a minute and thank everyone out there for your prayers and support for Tate, myself, Jamie and Hudson.  Two weeks ago, neither Jamie or myself could have ever imagined this is where we were headed.  I was a healthy, 30 year old pregnant woman with no history of health problems, or pregnancy complications.  All that changed in an instant. Even after my water broke I didn't really grasp the seriousness of it for awhile.  I never would have thought I could make it through a trial like this, but I know it is only because of your prayers and support, and by the grace of God, that we can, and will, make it through to the day we bring Tate home.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9 
I am weak right now.  I can't make it through a day without breaking down.  Sometimes I can't even make it an hour.  But He is making me strong.



Hudson "helping" Daddy shave off his beard.



Tate's new bed

Day 8, Sunday, November 21

Tate had a really good day today. They resumed his feedings as normal because he started digesting his food like he was before. When they suction out his stomach to see how much he has ate, they actually consider it good as long as there isn’t more than ¼ of what he was fed still in there. He normally has nothing left so he’s digesting everything in the 3 hours between feedings. At noon today they increased the amount he’s eating to 8 ml. The nurses moved his IV from his foot because it was starting to swell a little. They put it back in his head so I wasn’t real happy to see that. This time though it’s in the top of his head instead of right on his forehead so it doesn’t look as bad as before. Still looks painful though. He has a small scab on his other ankle that they are putting antiobiotic on 3 times a day to make sure it doesn’t get infected. He did lose 9 grams of body weight today but that isn’t too surprising since he missed several feedings. Since he’s not under the UV lights anymore we are going to be able to hold him more than we were before. We were told we could hold him after each assessment (which means every 3 hours) but we have already discovered that different nurses seem to tell us different things about how much we can hold him. Of course, as his situation changes, how long he can be out of the incubator changes to, so that could be part of it.


Jamie and I spent the morning at the NICU together since Hudson was going to church with my mom and dad. When we got there one of the neo natologists came by and introduced himself to us and asked if we had any questions about Tate’s care. I was disappointed to learn that we will have to bottlefeed Tate before he will be able to breastfeed. He also said we wouldn’t even start trying to bottlefeed until 34 weeks at the earliest probably because that is when the sucking reflex starts to kick in. Learning to bottle feed is usually really hard for these little guys because they have to learn to suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time. The nurse said it is usually the biggest obstacle to getting them out of the NICU and takes the longest. So that wasn’t real encouraging to hear since we can’t even start on it for at least 2 more weeks, but maybe Tate will just take right to it like he has everything else so far. I can hope – and pray.

The doctor said there are 3 milestones he has to reach before he can go home:

1. “Nippling” which means succesfully eating from a bottle.

2. His body weight has to be a minimum of 1800 grams (4 pounds).

3. He has to be able to maintain his own body temperature.

Regulating his own body temperature goes hand in hand with his weight. As he gets bigger and puts on more fat he’ll be able to regulate his temperature better. Once he’s doing that he’ll be able to move out of the incubator into a small baby bed.

Today was also a big day for Tate and I because we got to start what is called “kangaroo care” It’s basically skin to skin contact. They call it that because baby kangaroos are born really early and then live inside their mother’s pouch until they are much older. Research shows that preemies who have that skin to skin contact do much better than those who don’t. Babies who are kangarooed usually gain weight better than those who aren’t and although he can’t yet regulate his body temperature, when I am holding him like that my body temperature will actually raise/lower to compensate for his so that he is okay. Pretty amazing. One study I saw showed a 50% shorter hospital stay for preemies who are kangarooed versus those who aren’t.

We got to do a full hour of skin to skin. Absolutely amazing. I was already bonding with him before just holding him swaddled in a blanket but nothing compares to holding a newborn against your chest. And when your newborn is a preemie who weighs less than 3 pounds, it’s undescribable. He slept the entire hour and I took a little nap too but I also talked to him and sang him a song while we laid there. I loved being able to smell him, hear the little squeaks he makes and kiss the top of his head. Felt almost normal for a little while. His vitals were perfect the whole time he was with me. He would startle at the sounds around us – the monitors and other people talking or moving things around, but then just cuddle right back up. He did move his tiny hand around a little. Weird feeling since he’s so incredibly small.

The nurse said we could do skin to skin for one hour each 12 hour shift. Jamie was going to do it when he went back for the evening but they gave Tate a bath at his 9:00 assessment so they were worried he would be too cold to do it right after that so he just held him swaddled instead. Jamie stayed till about 1 am and then came back home. He is really missing out on sleep this week- which is what he wanted to do since he’s not working at all right now. We just want to be up there with Tate every minute possible. These first 2 days have seemed pretty hectic with lots of driving back and forth to the hospital, getting meals and housework stuff figured out and figuring out our schedules. Hopefully we’ll be able to get a better routine down but next week will change again when he goes back to work (although it’s going to just be part time probably through the end of the year).

While I was searching for something on the internet this morning I came across a blog post labeled “SAVOR”. Just looking at the word made me stop and think that I need to do that. Although this is a stressful, hectic, emotional time for us, it’s also the first few days of Tate’s life. Although it’s very different from what we were envisioning his first week of life to be I still need to be savoring every minute of it. Especially the times we get to be with him and hold him. I don’t want to forget anything that has happened this first week and it’s all such a blur already. It was a good reminder to me that I just need to slow down. Savor the moments I get to spend with Hudson, savor the time Jamie and I get to spend with each other – even if it is just a 20 minute car ride a few times a day back and forth to the hospital and savor each moment I have with Tate. Each diaper change I get to do, each touch when I am able to put my hand inside the incubator, each prayer I say for him, each time I get to hold him, each little kiss I give him, even each pumping session I do for him. We are so blessed that we get to do these things already. Some infants can be in the NICU for days or weeks before you even get to touch them, let alone hold them. But God is so good to us.

“I will find my rest in God alone. He is the One who gives me hope.” Psalm 62:5

Day 7, Saturday November 20

I pushed myself a little too hard on my first day home.  Well, I wasn't actually home at all which was the problem.  We went back over to see Tate at 6 am Saturday and spent an hour with him before they closed the NICU from 7-9 for shift change.  When we left we went to get Hudson to take him to breakfast to do something normal for him.   Thankfully he slept in till about 8:30 so Jamie and I napped at my parents house till he got out of bed.  We ended up making it out for more of a brunch by 11.  We can definitely tell Hudson is thrown by everything going on because of his behavior.   He's not awful but definitely pretty quick to talk back or yell or get upset about what is going on.  Plus you can tell he's just tired all the time.  We talked about it last night and realized that we are just going to have to be more patient with him because  his whole world has turned upside down in the last week too.  Differently than ours, but still upside down.  The good thing is it will help him a lot having me back home now and getting to sleep at home in his own bed more.  Still not sure exactly what his new schedule is going to be, definitely still won't be as much time at home or with me as he's used to.  But he'll adjust.  Then I reminded Jamie we'll probably go through it all again when we bring Tate home.  But I think that transition will be easier for him since Tate and I both will be HOME.  Already dreaming of that day....

When I came in to see Tate he actually lifted his head up and tried to turn to look at me in response to my voice.  He didn't lift it very high or get it turned very far but that's the first time I have seen him try.  His bilirubin was back down to 4.5 and when I came back to see him in the afternoon he was out of the UV light.  The nurse said he won't have to go back under them if he can maintain the lower levels.  Which also means we should be able to hold him a little more.  When they have the lights they want them under them 24/7 so we could only hold him for 2 30 minutes sessions a day. If he doesn't have to go back under the UV they should allow us to hold him more than just 2 times a day.  His weight stayed the same today.

Tate had his first minor setback with eating today.  When they checked to make sure his food was digested at 9 am he had some "green stuff" in his tummy.  So they did an x-ray and determined it was gas but the doctor decided he needed a suppository in case he was constipated and to hold off on his feedings until 6 pm tonight.  At 3:30 the nurse came to give him his suppository and he had taken care of business all by himself.  Had his biggest dirty diaper yet and it was a big one - for him anyways!  Still mostly meconium, he hasn't gotten all that out yet but I am sure that one helped!  

After that he got pretty fussy and squirmy.  I think because he was hungry and he knew it!  He chewed on his hands a lot and smacked his lips a few times.  He's also started grabbing onto the wires and cords for all his machines and he pulled his feeding tube out 10 times today!   So they finally put some little mittens over his hands to try to keep him from pulling on stuff.  But at 9 pm they resumed his feedings and he was a much happier guy all night long.  You'll see some of his squirming in the video.  You can hear all the alarms going off in the background too.  It happens a lot, but thankfully they are rarely Tate's - and lately if they have been it's cause he pulled something loose!

After we took Hudson to breakfast I wanted to go to the store to get a bag that I could use to carry to the NICU every day for my books, purse, laptop, pump stuff, etc.  Jamie didn't think I should but mom and I went anyway.  Then we went to Barnes and Noble so I could look for a devotional book and then we of course ran into someone we knew so we talked to them for awhile about everything that was going on.  Then I went home and showered and mom took me back up to the NICU while Jamie and Hudson took a nap.  I spent a couple hours at the NICU just hanging out.  They have lactation rooms I can go to when I need to pump and I took a nap in there for a little bit after pumping, but otherwise spent the time sitting in with Tate.  At 6 Jamie came and picked me up and we went to Wesley to see my new niece, Ashley Grace!!  Wesley has a parking garage and then it's a  pretty big hospital.  We were looking for a wheelchair but never found one and I ended up walking all the way up to her room.  We didn't stay for too long there - long enough for me to pump again and hold her for just a few minutes.  Then we went to dinner.  I was moving really slow by this point, exhausted and hurting.  Jamie found a wheelchair and wheeled me (and Hudson) out to the car.  By the time we finished dinner I was really exhausted and really hurting. Mom and Dad took Hudson again for the night cause Jamie was going back up to the hospital and I got a ride home from my aunt.  I couldn't get to my bed fast enough - literally and figuratively.  Every move hurt.  Plus my milk really came in yesterday evening so I ended up pumping every 2 hours all night long to keep myself comfortable.  But I won't complain about that - I am already worrying I won't have enough milk when he gets out of the NICU... 

Jamie took all next week off of work and his plan is to spend nights up at the NICU as much as he can.  He stayed there till 4 am. He held him and although Tate slept the entire time he smiled 12 times in his sleep!  At Tate's 3 am feeding he had only digested 1 ml of the 7 he had been fed at midnight.  The doctor had them feed the 6 back to him and then check again at 6 am.  So Jamie finally came home and went to bed and I called this morning to see how the rest of the night went.  At 6 am he had digested all of his food so they were going to feed him as regular on Sunday and even increase to 8 ml at this noon feeding.. 

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Day 6, Friday, November 19

The day I have been dreading is here. The resident came in at 6:30 and said she’d have my staples removed today and they’d get me home. But Dr. Jensen hadn’t usually been coming around till 1 pm so I figured I still had some time. Morning went by, afternoon went by, no one removed my staples and Dr. Jensen never came by. I was hoping that Dr. Jensen forgot about me and I’d get to stay one more night. Postpone the inevitable…

Late Thursday night they moved us to yet another room. But this one was an upgrade to a queen size bed that Jamie could sleep in with me. They needed the room we were in for another mom in preterm labor so they asked if we would mind moving. I didn’t care but Jamie was all for sleeping in a real bed. He said it was like we were on vacation! He hasn’t gotten much sleep this whole week. He’s been sleeping on a cot or a tiny pull out bed every night. He gets up every few hours and goes to the NICU to check on Tate, then he’s up every few hours helping me go the bathroom or pump or whatever else I need. The nurses aren’t in and out as much any more but they like to come in around 6 am to check my vitals so that usually wakes us up for the day. I realized last night that I have never once asked him how he’s dealing with all of this. He hasn’t complained once about helping me. Just gets up and does it – half the time without me even asking. No wonder I love him.

This morning Jamie spent some one on one time with Hudson. Overall he has handled this last week really well but when he left Thursday night he cried and cried for Jamie to go with him so we set up his schedule for the day so they could spend some time together. Jamie took him to Best Buy to pick up our new digital camera (Ours has been broken for a year and I wanted to replace it before the baby came. That didn’t happen but after Jamie dropped it again yesterday it really wasn’t working.) and to the bookstore to get me a journal to have to write stuff down as the nurses give us updates, or I think of something that needs to get done at the house, etc. They both had a good time together.

When Jamie got back we went down to see and hold Tate for a little while. He is still under the UV lights but his bilirubin has gone down to 5 so that is good news. The nurse told us that once he’s not under the lights anymore we should get to hold him more than just 30 minutes 2 times a day. I know it will just be a gradual increase since he can’t handle too much stimulation but those are the best times when we get to hold him so I am looking forward to have more time each day. I’m really looking forward to getting to bottlefeed him whenever that time comes too. I am guessing it’s still 2 weeks or so but it will be awesome to have that connection with him. He’s now up to eating 6 ml at every feeding and his tummy is still digesting it. He gained 1ounce today. His nurse said he is quite the wiggle worm. He doesn’t like to lay still and will wiggle out of his wrap that he lies in and he hates having the mask over his eyes for the UV lights. He gets it off all the time. Today switched from a full mask to a smaller one that just goes over his eyes. When we held him this afternoon the nurse didn’t come right back after 30 minutes and tell us our time was up, and we weren’t about to tell her our time was up so we got to hold him for about an hour in the afternoon.

While we were visiting Tate around 6 pm Dr. Jensen finally came by and gave my discharge orders. So we didn’t talk to him but the nurses came in around 8 to do their shift change and said we had been discharged but there was no hurry. We just had to be gone by midnight. So we planned to go hold him again after his 9 pm assessment and then we’d let the nurse know we were ready and they’d get started on my discharge.

When we went to the NICU there had been a shift change and his night nurse was on. As I was washing my hands I told her we’d like to hold him after she finished his assessment and she said “Well, Carolyn said you held him for an hour already today and that’s all you are allowed right now.” Well, that was all it took. I had been dreading this for so long and the tears just started flowing. She took one look at me and said “Okay, I’ll let you hold him for just 30 minutes.” Then when Jamie explained we were getting discharged, she said, “of course you’ll hold him then.” But at that point I couldn’t stop so I ended up crying most of the time I held him. Tate was very alert and looking at us and again, it was a great bonding time, despite the tears.

The discharge was uneventful – staple removal didn’t even hurt and I had been worried about that all day. After everything was loaded in the car and we were ready to go we walked down to say goodnight to Tate and then headed home. It was a weird feeling leaving the hospital and driving home without him. But, as Jamie said, we know it’s where he needs to be and we wouldn’t want to be bringing him home as he is right now anyway. So we’ll adjust, or just take it day by day, and figure out when to come see him and how long to be with him until he’s ready to come home. It was weird for me to leave the hospital. I hadn’t been outside in 6 days. Our house was weird to come home to (Thanks to mom and Traci for cleaning and washing sheets and towels and getting the house ready for us to come home too.) without Hudson or Tate. Jamie unloaded the car while I pumped and then we went to bed. I got up twice during the night to pump. At 3 am I called Tate’s nurse to check on him. She said right before feeding time he got really fussy and she thinks he must have been hungry and was letting it be known. It’s really weird to have to set an alarm to remind me to get up and pump every 2 hours, instead of just waiting for the baby to wake me up. I’m using my cell phone alarm during the day to remind me, although since my milk has started coming in it’s a little easier to remember! We woke up at 5 and drove back over to see Tate before the NICU closed for shift change. Then we took Hudson out for breakfast. So we survived our first (half) night away from him. Without any more tears even, after the NICU episode!

We also talked today about praying for Tate and I told Jamie that I would like to find a devotional book geared towards mom’s with preemies because I am having a hard time praying for Tate. I have a hard time getting past, “Dear God, thank you…” Jamie said that pretty much sums it up and God knows everything else I want to say. I know that we are so blessed that Tate is doing so well and that things could be so much harder and he could be struggling so much more. But he’s not. He is doing amazing. Every time I get to hold him I am amazed by how tiny, yet perfect, his little body is and the fact that it’s doing what it’s supposed to be doing, at such an early gestational age, is a miracle. So “Dear God, thank you”.

Day 5, Thursday, Nov. 18th

I knew I absolutely had to get out of bed today.  I went back to taking the painkillers every 4 hours and that seems to have helped because although I am still dizzy when I first get up, I'm not passing out or getting tunnel vision like I had been yesterday.  Plus the doctor decided to push me along by removing my catheter first thing in the morning.  Now I had to get out of bed!  

I am pumping every 3 hours to get my milk to come in and will continue to do that until Tate is able to nurse.  I had lots of colustrum the first night (really good stuff for the baby- high nutritional value) the first night after the c-section but after that was gone I just have to wait for my milk to come in.  A little frustrating to pump and not produce anything but I know it's normal for it to take a few days.  I'm starting to get a little bit of milk though so that's encouraging.  I absolutely want to breastfeed Tate (Hudson nursed till he was 21 months and I plan on doing the same with Tate) but that is still a ways down the road so for now I will pump every 2-3 hours and they give him the breastmilk through his feeding tube.  In a week or two he'll hopefully be able to bottlefeed but the NICU nurse told me today that actual nursing will be last because that can be too stimulating for them.

By lunch I had been able to get up to the bathroom a few times and to the NICU once (in a wheelchair).  We were able to hold Tate again for one of our 2 times each day and that's when we got the video of him that I posted earlier.  It was amazing to see his little eyes pop open as soon as he heard Jamie's voice.  And he responded to my voice as well.  His left eye seems to be easier for him to open than his right so it's always open first but if we talk to him long enough he'll eventually get them both open and look at us.  I am not sure how much he can actually see at this point, since newborns can't see very far and I don't know if preemies have even worse eyesight or not but he is definitely looking at us.  I also noticed that he seems to respond to the monitors and alerts that go off in the NICU.  Occasionally when one goes off he'll startle a little or his eyes will pop open.  So those are all good things to see him doing.  At this point they haven't tested his eyesight or hearing or anything like that, but it was encouraging to me to notice him responding already.

In the afternoon I was feeling well enough to take a shower and the dizziness was pretty much gone so they removed my IV for me too.  It felt wonderful to get the hospital gown off and put on some of my own clothes, wash my hair, scrub all the tape residue from IV's, blood pricks and shots off my arms and I took my bandage off my incision.  That was the first time I saw it and I about passed out just looking at it.  I can't believe I have staples in my belly.  Gross, disgusting, painful.

 

I was able to go in and see Tate several times throughout the day.  We are only allowed to hold him twice a day so the other times we just stop in and look at him and talk to him a little bit through the incubator.  If we go during assessment times (every 3 hours) we can watch him eat, get his temp taken, and diaper changed.  We like to try to go at these times because all the rest of the time he is under the UV lights and has the mask over his face to protect his eyes.  Late last night his IV came out of his head so they moved it to his foot.  I like that much better!  I got to change his diaper twice today.  Like any little boy, he peed all over the place the first time I changed him!  

We have had a wonderful NICU nurse, Nicole, these first 3 nights that we have really liked.  She's really good about telling us everything she is doing to him, what test results came back and what's going on with him.  The others have all been fine but we have really liked her.  So we went back to hold him again in the evening after her shift had started.  

Tate's blood work has always came back negative for any infections (as did mine) so they decided today that he didn't have to have any more IV antibiotics.  He lost 2 oz initially (totally normal for any infant) but today he had gained 1 oz back!  Because he is doing so well eating they are increasing the amount he  gets every 12 hours.  So they started giving him 3 ml, every 3 hours and he's now up to 5 ml, every 3 hours.  Then if he tolerates that (digests it fine, doesn't spit up, have reflex, etc.) they'll increase it in 12 hours to 6 ml.  He did spit up once last night but other than that he's digesting it all great and not having any problems.  His bilirubin levels were back down to 5 (the highest they have been so far was 6.7).  They want them to be close to zero and anything over 5 they treat with the UV lights.  Even though he's back down to 5 Nicole thought they'd keep him under the lights for about another week to get them down as low as possible.  Tate doesn't like having the mask on and he wiggles it off his eyes and down around his mouth all the time.  Today they also moved his feeding tube from his mouth to his nose.  It will stay in easier there but it's also good news because they were leaving it in his mouth in case they had to hook up oxygen through his nose but since his breathing has been so good they don't think he'll need any oxygen support.   

They have "mother" rooms here that I am allowed to stay in 24 hours a day once I am released from the hospital.  Dr. Jensen was in this afternoon and said I would go home tomorrow.  I am absolutely in no hurry to go home since Tate is here but I know I can't stay forever.  After we left the NICU Nicole gave us a tour of those rooms and got me a code for the doors.  There are 3 rooms with a bed in them, then a community bathroom, kitchen area and living room with a TV.  I just really wish they were "parent" rooms instead of just for mothers.  Jamie isn't allowed to go into them at all and it would just be nicer if the 2 of us could stay somewhere together but at least there's somewhere for me.  Jamie said he'll just sleep in the waiting room or just sit by Tate all night if he has too.  My other concern about the mother rooms is they are located directly next to the Senior Behavioral Health Unit.  There's a big sign on the door that says "Elopement Risk: do not let anyone out these doors" or something like that.  So I'm not sure I want to sleep in there all by myself. :)  

I felt, for the first time, like we really bonded this evening with Tate.  He was awake for awhile and looking at us and it just finally felt like things were "normal".  Our new normal, anyways.  So I was definitely on an emotional high when we got back to our room after spending an hour with him.   But of course those emotions lead to the others when I start thinking about leaving, and figuring out a schedule for coming back and how often we should be here.  Still haven't figured out much more about it - I guess we'll just figure it out a day at a time.  I won't be able to drive for 2 weeks so someone will have to bring me up here all the time anyways so that makes it even more complicated.  They are saying I'll go home tomorrow (Friday) and I 'm just not ready for that.  I was really hoping I could stay till Saturday, although one more day isn't going to make much difference.  I still have to leave without him whichever day it is.  

The sign that is on his incubator.

Without his IV in his forehead, feeding tube in his nose.  His nose is red from rubbing from his UV mask.

Family picture (minus Hudson) :(

Proud Daddy!

Tate's "room"