Birth

Hudson and Tate’s births were such complete opposite experiences for me, and I was so looking forward to Tate’s birth, that I am still having a hard time dealing with the emotions of the actual experience. When I think about Tate’s birth, I don’t really feel like I gave birth to him. It’s nothing like the emotions I had as I birthed Hudson into this world. I enjoyed the experience of Hudson’s birth so much that I was ready – emotionally anyways – to do it all again a week later. His birth was so amazing. Just Jamie and I (and a few nurses) together all day laboring (granted, I did a lot more laboring than he did!) to bring our son into the world.


That was why we had decided to do a home birth with this baby. Hudson’s birth/pregnancy was unremarkable medically and there were no complications. I delivered him naturally with no epidural or pain medications, no constant fetal monitoring or any other interventions that are so typical of a hospital birth. We really wanted to have this baby without the annoyance of having a doctor try to push interventions on us every hour or two. And when we met with the midwife at the Birth Inn early in this pregnancy we both came away with a peace about having the baby there.

But for some reason God had different plans for us this time around. Because we knew the baby was breech I was already starting to come to terms with the very likely possibility we were going to have a hospital birth. But I still really wanted to do a vaginal breech birth so that I could do it naturally, like Hudson. I knew there were risks to a breech vaginal birth but was still really considering the possibility of doing so. There is only one obstetrician in Wichita who will do vaginal breech births and we were still praying about it and trying to get the baby to flip when we found out my fluid was low and the baby was measuring small, and then my water broke and that was the end of that possibility.

You know the story from there and although I did ask Dr. Jensen if I could do a breech birth, he is not the OB who will do them, so he said no. I knew the baby was so small he would have slipped right out but considering everything else the baby was up against, I decided it wasn’t worth fighting with him about. Now I’m not so sure I should have given in so easy. Especially knowing I was already dilated to an 8 by the time they got me on the operating table. Just a little longer and I could have gave birth to him right there on the operating table!

I feel robbed of Tate’s birth. Not only was I not able to carry him to term and lost the last 9 weeks of the pregnancy and that bonding time with him, but I don’t feel like I gave birth to him. It was just so technical and medical and although a lot of emotions were involved, not the same emotions of Hudson’s birth.

Of course, the situation was totally different than Hudson’s birth and I understand that. And don’t get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for the doctor’s, nurses and medical technology that brought Tate safely into this world and are sustaining him now. But having a baby in the NICU long term like this is so hard and emotionally exhausting. It’s tough being told when you can touch your baby, how long you can hold him, when you can help change his diaper, and no, you can’t breastfeed for awhile. Makes all the normal complaints about having a newborn (not sleeping at night, blow out diapers, nursing problems) pale in comparison to this. We will be so happy to have Tate home I don’t think you’ll ever hear us complain about anything once we get him there. Definitely puts things in perspective for us. We didn’t get to have that natural bonding we should have had during the last trimester of the pregnancy, the birth and then the first few weeks of his life. We can’t ever get it back. And I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful for the hospital, doctor’s or how well Tate is doing but this is all emotions I am still trying to work through and it helps me to put it in writing…I just need to work through it all, give it up to God as over and done with and start looking forwards instead of dwelling on it. And be grateful that there is so much to look forward to in this little man’s life. I am definitely looking forward to the days when we can hold Tate for more than just 30 minutes at a time and more than just twice a day. I need him more than that. You all might never get to hold him cause I might never put him down when he finally gets home! I’m looking forward to starting to bottlefeed so we can have a litte more interaction with him. And I am most definitely looking forward to the day we can begin to breastfeed and he will begin to recognize the connection between mommy and the milk he has been getting. And the day the doctor says we can go home – definitely looking forward to that day and finally getting to introduce Tate to his big brother. And that’s just the next few weeks!

But for now I will remind myself daily to savor these moments we do get. The 45 minutes of skin to skin we did this morning and the sweet feeling of a 3 pound baby sleeping on my chest. Each time he wakes up and opens his little eyes and looks right at me. Each diaper I get to change. Each time I pump so that I can provide him with the best nutrients possible to help him grow and thrive. I’ll rejoice in each little gram he gains that gets us closer to our goal and each swallow he takes as he learns to eat. But most of all, I’ll rejoice in the fact that I am his mommy and he is my son - and nothing can ever take that away from me.


Psalm 71


"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge...Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go... For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD...From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge."