Day 32, Wednesday, December 15

I’m letting go of a dream today. At least loosening my hold anyway. I’m realizing that most of it is about me, not Tate, so I’m letting go. He could care less how he drinks his milk, as long as he gets it. And as long as I keep pumping, he’s still getting the nutritional benefits. And it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll never breastfeed. We can still work with him on it – and we’ll have plenty of time to focus on it – once he’s home. I realize that breastfeeding is my heart’s desire but right now I have a bigger desire - to get him home. So tomorrow Tate will have a bottle. I’m sure some of you think I’m totally off my rocker (or maybe it’s just the hormones) for making such a big deal about breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding. I breastfed Hudson till he was 21 months old. Breastfeeding is the most natural part of mothering. Your body knows how and what to do and just does it. And you have to remember where I’m coming from after Tate’s birth and the whole c-section thing. You’ve got to give me something….


I spoke with Linda again today and she told me Tate would probably go home 2-3 weeks sooner if we introduce the bottle rather than only breastfeeding and fingerfeeding. She also said we don’t have to give up breastfeeding altogether. We can keep doing breastfeeding at one feed and then bottle at another. Then as he starts taking more milk and we start introducing more feeds we can decide how many are breast or bottle. Tate had one of my favorite nurses today, Phyllis, so I asked her opinion as well. When I asked if she found babies who bottle feed first never take the breast she said she thinks babies figure out where the milk comes from, so no matter which way you feed them, they’ll figure out how to get it. And she mentioned that when Tate goes home he’ll probably still have to have extra calories or protein added to his milk so we’ll have to supplement somehow. Plus I keep reminding myself that two weeks ago I was being told bottle was the only option and I’d accepted that.

Tate didn’t have a great afternoon for me. First of all, he’s congested. The nurse said she thinks it is from reflux and didn’t seem super concerned about it, but of course, I’m concerned. It’s something new and different and it’s making it even harder for him to try and eat since he can’t breathe through his nose. So we tried breastfeeding but didn’t have an easy time with it. He took 2 mls. Then we did finger feed and that went even worse. Maybe part of it was just because he was getting tired but he only took 8 ml and towards the end he gagged a few times and spit the milk out. He’s never done that before. Maybe it’s just from the congestion. They increased his feedings to 38 ml today so he definitely is eating more these last few days. So maybe that is causing some more reflux issues. He isn’t spitting up though. But Jamie thought last night he might be having some reflux just because he seemed uncomfortable. So I guess we just wait and see how the congestion is tomorrow.

When I left at 6 pm I was pretty much decided on starting some bottle feeds and tonight totally affirmed that. Jamie was totally exhausted after work tonight so he let me come back up. I decided to try to breastfeed Tate again since it wasn’t great today and we haven’t ever tried twice in one day. Tate did really good. He latched on a few times and sucked okay in the football hold, which is how I usually hold him since the lactation nurse told me that was the easiest way. He was getting tired of it so I switched him to the cradle hold and he latched right on and sucked and sucked! Definitely the longest he has ever done. So I was really excited to see how much he’d gained. Zero. Zero? How is that possible? I thought he had done so well. The nurse on tonight checked his tube placement before we hooked up the rest of his feeding and she noticed he had a lot of air in his tummy. So he did all that sucking but was just sucking in air, no milk. I know my milk supply isn’t an issue and I felt a let down while he was nursing. But he isn’t sucking strong enough to actually get any milk. So in addition to the hard work of latching and remembering to suck while he’s latched, he also has to suck stronger to drink any milk. All that helped to reaffirm the decision to start bottle feeding.

I got to give Tate another bath tonight. I love being able to take care of him, dress him, change his diaper – even though he has pooped and peed on me every day. I just try to ignore the nurse hovering around and pretend life is normal. It will be someday. Tate gained another 40 grams today and now weighs 4 pounds, 5.9 ounces and is 16 inches long.