If your love is supposed to multiply when you have a second child, why do I feel so divided?
Why did my body fail me? More importantly, why did my body fail Tate?
My milk lets down whenever I hear a baby cry – but it’s never my baby.
All thoughts/questions running through my head this evening. Can you tell it’s been a rough day?
Tate’s heartbeat continued to race in the 180’s all day today. He had a lot of d sats today too and his respiratory rate was up and down, up and down. When I got there at 9 am he was on his back, wide awake, legs kicking all around. Twenty minutes later he was still awake. Well, now that I know it’s better for him to sleep it was worrying me. I suggested to the nurse that she should put him on his tummy, cause he slept really well that way yesterday, but she said he had just been on his tummy before she flipped him. They rotate him every assessment so he isn’t always laying the same way. So she tried putting him on his side. It worked for a few minutes, but then his arms and legs started flailing around again. After another 5 minutes she flipped him over to his tummy. He was out immediately and slept till the noon assessment. The nurse told me they are creating a monster for us if he will only sleep on his tummy –since when we get home we should only allow him to sleep on his back. It’s okay to do in the NICU since he’s on the monitors but at home we should always have him on his back. When he’s sleeping his heartrate and other vitals settle back down to a more normal range so the rest of the morning was okay.
I got to hold him at noon. We tried nursing but he fell asleep right away, although he did smile at me several times. He had a huge grin on his face while she checked his residual. It must tickle pulling the residual back out of the tube! So I just held him. But after about 20 minutes he started having more d sats so I had to put him back in his isolette. When we put him back she left his swaddled and that seemed to do the trick for sleeping on his back. He was zonked out and his vitals looked better.
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Hudson – we even went to Hobby Lobby and bought the boys’ Christmas ornaments for the tree. I called at 4 to check on Tate and he was sleeping but his heartrate was still in the 180’s. They added another calorie to his milk today so he’s now getting 5 extra calories each time he eats. The calorie they added today was protein. He is now eating 28 ml at every feeding. The nurse practitioner told me she wouldn’t be worried about his weight loss from yesterday unless it happened several days in a row. And thankfully he made up for the loss yesterday by gaining 59 grams today.
Jamie went back up at 9 – seems to be our new routine now. I go during the day and he takes the night shift. So far it’s working out pretty well, although he is still spending more time with Hudson and I spend more with Tate.
As I write all this it doesn’t sound like such a rough day, but it was. It is so frustrating to have his heart racing like it is, with no explanation and have it just start up one day while I was holding him and so far, not stop. It’s scary to watch his heart racing and him breathing rapidly. I really want to hold him to work on sucking or at least kangaroo him but scared to if his vitals go all crazy again. He seems to get worked up after every assessment now.
There were a lot of tears tonight after I put Hudson to bed. We had a rough time going to bed (I knew I shouldn’t have lain down with him the night before!) and that just put me over the top (or maybe under the bottom would be a better way to express it!). I finally pulled out my Bible and found this verse and as soon as I read this, I had peace. It’s going to be one of the many I recite to myself over the next few weeks, and months, as we go through this journey and fight this fight.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
Do Not Worry
8 months ago
1 comment:
Dear Cassie and Jamie,
My name is Michelle Spahr. My husband and I are very good friends with Lowell and Tera Michelson. Tera shared your story with me today. I wanted to write. Our first child, now 3 1/2, was born at 26 weeks. It was the scariest time of our lives. There is just no words to describe the experience to others. You just have to experience it yourself to fully understand the emotional rollar coaster you go on. During those times the only strength we had was in Jesus. No matter what, we had to lean on him and know that he was with us. We cried, laughed, read stories, kangaroo cared, cried, took pictures, dreamed, and cried some more. They were the most exhausting days and yet the most incredible I have ever walked through. Today, as I said, Zachary is 3 1/2 with no developmental delays. I am amazed at how many families I meet who have preemies, You just don't realize that life until you go through it yourself or along side someone. Every year we walk in the March of Dimes walk-a-thon and I am struck with profound emotion. I simply wanted to share a small view of our story and let you know that we are praying for you and your beautiful children. Know that there are many of us that relate to exactly what you are experiencing. We lift you up and pray for peace to know that Jesus sits with Tate every day and holds him in his hands every night!
Oh and BTW, Zachary never slept on his back. He LOVED his stomach. So we purchased the Angel Care Monitor system that has the bed slate that lays under the mattress and detects their breathing. The base monitor has a light that blinks to indicate it is working and if it does not measure breathing within 20 seconds, an alarm goes off. We used it with the hospital monitor when he came home and it worked great. It was a life saver for us! It helped us sleep and allowed him to rest in his most comfortable way. Hope that is helpful!
God Bless you!
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